How to Get Over a Crush If He’s Straight

You want to be able to have your unrequited love without the potential pain of liking a guy who could like you back. I'm a heterosexual girl, and I spent two years in high school with an intense crush on a gay male friend of mine. I know now that I was too scared to get that close to a guy who might like me back- or reject me- so I wasted my time obsessing over my gay friend instead.

It was painful, but it was also easy and risk-free. Speaking from what seems to be highly analogous personal experience on this issue bi-guy having difficulties with a potentially-straight dude , I completely support the repeated advice in this thread to minimize your contact with this guy. He may be, and probably is, a lovely individual, but your mind is going to be processing every interaction with him with the power of your deep affection for him. You will agonize over how wonderful he is, and how awful your life is because you cannot be with him, and it will be a thousand times worse because he will be there, in-person, breathing, living, etc.

Limit your contact until you can be fair to both him and to yourself.

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From personal experience, this doesn't mean that your friendship has to end forever. I concluded my own bout of this with an awkward confession to said potentially-straight dude, and we were able to get through it eventually with the mutual understanding that I needed time apart from him to cool off my amour, and that in doing so I wasn't rejecting him, but was rather trying to get us to a more stable and realistic place.

It's a little less than a year now, and we're paradoxically closer through the experience. Though I probably think, "Damn, you're hot" a little more often with him than I do my other friends, the time apart gave me the space to extinguish my burning ardor. Even coached the bastard into his current relationship, which was one of the lulzier experiences of my life Your mileage may vary depending on the individual in question's personality and exact history with you, but it isn't an absolute that your friendship has to end.

My oddest piece of advice: I know that you indicate that you're certain he's straight, but even after the failure of my own dramatic confession, I definitely played a game with myself where I tried to make him a deeply closeted gay rather than a straight man after all, there was a reason I liked him, right? This was the dumbest thing I did, and tremendously delayed my progress past shit. As I implicitly suggest before, it might even be good to talk with him about your feelings, so that he can say to you if true, which you indicate it probably is , "Sorry, but I'm straight. If you're building the kind of friendship that would be deserving enough of future-worry, I'd hope that he would be able to deal with your honest feelings in a mature, supportive fashion.

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He might be a little weirded out at first, but that will hopefully be more a story about the dynamics of crushes than the dynamics of sexuality. You sound like a real sweetheart--and I say this with no condescension--and this sort of situation of unrequited love is so painful when it's tied into these troublesome issues of sexuality. Having been there myself, I sincerely wish you all the best. Also, mega-subtract to the "go fuck someone else" advice.

If the OP is the kind of person to put this much care into one single relationship, my intuition is that he's probably not one for casual hookups. It doesn't matter that you're "bi" and he's "straight. If he's such a great demonstrative affectionate guy he probably would have no issue at all with knowing that you're so you claim bisexual.

He probably has lots of queer friends, right? The issue is that you're in love with him. What else matters is that you're holding out on the possibility that this obsession won't be unrequited. Admit this to yourself, first. You know that you're hoping that by some miracle he'll reciprocate your feelings for him and you'll be together. So here's what you do. First, you let your dear close friend know this outrageously important and relevant fact of your personal life- that you're into men saying you're bi is IMHO ridiculous and spurious because he already must assume that you like the ladies.

It's the "I get hard for guys" part that needs announcing. Then see how he responds. Only entering THAT conversation is going to show you once and for all either that 1 you REALLY have zero chance with him and you can grow up and grow out of this crush, or just maybe 2 he wants you too. If it's 1, then you lick your wounds and move on. By making this a private fantasy you're just being a selfish closet case who can't stop making your supposed friend an object of your secret desires, and that's a shitty, self-hating twisted sort of "friend.

Possible, but here's my broad, overly-generalizing differential diagnosis based more-or-less on my own feelings as a bisexual male: This is also a problem of detection, to be a bit blunt Harvard gaydar studies aside, if you don't have active self-identification going on for one reason or another be it through Facebook or a gay bar , it can be pretty damn hard to figure out who is potential sexuality-realistic crush material before you've, oops, developed the interest.

Anecdotally, I find that this is moreso a problem for younger queer males, who are still dealing with a still-not-entirely-out dating pool, so it gets really, really confusing to pick out which seemingly "straight"-acting dudes are actually straight and which are queer men who simply don't fit well into our cultural stereotypes of queer men. No idea if the "straight male" is the OP's type, but given that his individual interest is "for certain" straight, I feel that it's a nonzero probability. Not to say that your comment isn't a fair alternative perspective, but, here's my alternative-to-the-alternative, nevertheless.

I bet it hurts, and I'm sorry. It's a sad feeling, like losing your tie to eternity or to your own life. It's important to recognize that once you develop a serious crush on someone, that person is no longer a friend, and never will be again. Oh sure, you can sift through the experiences of hundreds of people and find a few borderline exceptions, but why play against the numbers?

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You fall in love with someone, the friendship is over for good. I suspect that the sooner you swallow this bit of hot coal the sooner you can continue with the rest of your life. I've been there am there? Just to echo, you're not alone. But also, yes, you'll get through it and find someone who returns your affections. This must be super challenging for you. Sorry you're going through it.

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I'm going to suggest something that might sound insane, and then suggest what everyone else already has suggested. Why not just tell him? I know this sounds crazy, but it is however remotely possible that he might be interested back - even if he's genuinely never had a gay thought in his life unlikely. One remote possibility, is that he will tell you he likes you back, and you'll walk off into the sunset together. The more likely scenario is that he will not be interested, things will be REALLY awkward, and you'll be forced to get out of his life, which, realistically, is the only way you'll be able to drop the obsession.

In my experience, there is no way to stop obsessing about someone except to get them out of your life at least temporarily. Or to have some awful experience with them that cures you of your attraction. One other thing to consider: I've been obsessed on by people I wasn't interested in, and it actually really sucks. Especially if I like hanging out with the person. Eventually, I tend to feel that if I want to be comfortable, I have to get out of that person's life - because crushes and obsessions are usually much more obvious than intended and they leave the crush-ee in a really awkward position.

I don't say that to be harsh, but to help provide some more perspective. Good luck, I know this is rough.

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I've told this story before , and it's all hetero, but I confessed my love for my good friend well over a decade ago. He said he didn't think it would work and I was hurt. Good friends are good friends, regardless of the passing crush. If it's a good enough friendship, the crushes pass. I still want to spend time with said friend, because I treasure his input, but I also love his wife and the happiness she brings him.

Also, getting to interact with her and the happiness she brings me as a result is terrific. I get to see her through his eyes, and I appreciate her. This friendship has now surpassed its year mark. I didn't think I could get over him, either, but it's better now than I ever could imagine. The only thing that would make it better is if he wasn't working and in grad school.

He doesn't have any spare time for anything. His wife and I have similar concerns because he is so busy.

A lot of folks are advising you to distance yourself in order to get over this. And I agree with them, but i also think serazin has a point. Why not tell him? It will no doubt be confusing and hurtful to him if you suddenly pull away without explanation. If it were me, I'd want to know what was going on. Everybody has had an experience of unrequited love or a crush on somebody who might not even know they exist, and it's not restricted to your teen years, I'm in my mid thirties and just getting over a crush on a strait guy, who works on a stall in the local shopping center.

His only crime was to smile at me, and stair at me a few times. He told me that he was okay with that, but a week or so later, he broke up with me, without much of a reason. Since that was my first relationship, and since I really fell for the guy, I was heartbroken. Skip forward to now. He ignores my existence, and has begun dating a girl, in a sexual relationship.

And I still feel heartbroken. I really care about this guy, but if anyone brings up the fact that we dated, he gets really mad, and he pretty much pretends that it never happened. He told me that he was bisexual, but he told his dad when he left that he was gay, and I honestly am not sure which one it is.

I still have feelings for this boy. He was different, he was honest. I really want a boyfriend, but not just a fling, I want someone whom I could actually fall in love with eventually. Am I asking too much? And what about this boy who makes me feel so many conflicting and confusing things? Am I being stupid for feeling so much over something so small? What should I do?

You seem like a really smart, really self-aware kid. You want two things: And you also want a relationship with this guy. But these two things are mutually exclusive: Will he ever be able to do so? So why is your heart telling you that you do? While content with the prospect of dating women, I have yet to experience the same interactions with men. When I was a teenager, I just hoped and prayed that the attraction to men would go away. Of my immediate family, only my mother and brother are Mormon.

My dad is quite liberal and would actually support me.