Hold Me Tight

Johnson's book easily wins the "World's Worst Title Ever" award. Much as does the scent of patchouli oil and as does the sound of gauzy-eyed adults whispering for their inner child to come on out for a good old back rub, "Hold Me Tight" evokes again, for this reader scary New Agey associations. For example, "Hold Me Tight" made me recall against my will that Kenny Loggins dumped his first wife in order to marry his colonic therapist. In a nude wedding ceremony. Nude, as in, everybody in attendance, guests and minister excepting, hopefully, his clerical collar included, sans sartorial stitch one.

Nothing wrong with the concept, I guess, but who wants to see Mr. Danger Zone, singing, nakedly, to his new wife "Cut foot-loo-zah! That man's music has done way too much harm for him to ever have hope of redemption. The foregoing may indeed be a strange preamble for the review of a book I thoroughly enjoyed, but I kind of feel like I needed to say what I felt about the title. Because many people who feel like I do about touchy-feely New Age hand-holding might otherwise bypass a truly remarkable and helpful book. Johnson is part of the EFT Emotionally Focused Therapy; again, sorry for whatever horrible associations this phrase conjures movement.

EFT espouses spousal connection and intimacy over technical communication proscriptions and mars-venus feelings flowcharts. Unlike most traditional "get along with your spouse" theories, EFT actually works real wonders. I could go on, but I won't. If you seek to communicate more meaningfully with your spouse, fight your feelings and look past the bad title and read "Hold Me Tight. View all 3 comments. Sep 22, Olivia Kienzel rated it really liked it.

Dec 20, Jennie rated it it was amazing Shelves: I am going to start this review with two contradictory statements: And I did not finish it. When I added this book to my "to read" shelf, it was primarily with the hope of being able to help counseling clients to understand their romantic attachments, but when I finally picked it up to read, it was in the hopes of improving my own rocky relations I am going to start this review with two contradictory statements: When I added this book to my "to read" shelf, it was primarily with the hope of being able to help counseling clients to understand their romantic attachments, but when I finally picked it up to read, it was in the hopes of improving my own rocky relationship.

My partner was feeling smothered and unappreciated, and I was feeling abandoned and insecure. As I read, I came to understand that adult human beings are interdependent and have the same attachment needs we did when we were children. But rather than seeking that primary attachment from our parents, we seek it from our romantic partners. This flies in the face of the common idea that as we become adults, we should grow to not need others, and to be able to attend to our emotions without the help of others. As Fanny Brice says in Funny Girl, "people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

She then goes on to talk about the types of "demon dialogues" people get stuck in, and how to put an end to them, as well as how to build intimacy emotional as well as sexual once the fighting is over. The process is accessible, and the book is intended for people to use in their own relationships, so it's an easy read. So why didn't I finish it, you ask?

I tried to keep reading, because I actually found the content of the book to be as useful for my clients as for myself But given the task of grieving a relationship, I just couldn't do it. But it's good to know that at a less transitional point in time, this amazing book will be there to come back to, rife with wisdom and relatable information.

Aug 21, Janet rated it it was amazing Shelves: The application of attachment theory to adult romantic relationships is genius. According to Johnson, the need for attachment underlies the conflict involved in the pursue-withdraw dance that couples often get locked into, a dance she aptly metaphorizes as the Polka. Her work provides tools for couples who want to stop dancing the Polka and start doing a Tango, her language for a relationship that allows for deep connection. Jul 01, London Mabel rated it it was amazing Shelves: Hands down the best relationship book I have ever read.

A paradigm changer--it felt intuitively right from the first chapter, yet I also see the world in a different way. It took the core values I held about life, and showed me how to really live them better. Of course, starting with the relationships closest to me. There are no complicated rules here, what you need to do doesn't feel like an overwhelming amount of work, and what Johnson says makes so much sense it's not hard to remember. By chap Hands down the best relationship book I have ever read.

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By chapter four you'll have a good idea of some things you can do and STOP doing, without even having started the "seven conversations. So at least ask yourself this: What have you got to lose? It's not a long book, the science is super interesting, and many of the stories are touching. And don't be fooled by the frouffy title, it's not a frouffy book. But the science she talks about is serious stuff, and the ideas are deep, so I never felt I was being frouffed-over. Nov 14, Janet Ferguson rated it it was amazing. Best book about human relationships EVER.

Not in a relationship? It's written for everyone. And you don't need to be a psychology student to "get it. Sue Johnson will go down in history alongside Freud and Jung as a pioneer. Her approach, Emotionally Focused Therapy, has been proven to help 86 percent of couples become happier in their relationships. This is compared to most other forms of couple therapy that achieve a 35 percent success rate. Endorsed by the American Psychological Association with empirical proof. Nov 15, Deborah rated it really liked it. This was much better than the kitschy title led me to believe.

In the end, you need the security of knowing that no matter what happens, you can rely on your spouse for comfort and support. Most relationship issues arise because of miscommunications regarding how the need for that comfort is shown and respond This was much better than the kitschy title led me to believe. Most relationship issues arise because of miscommunications regarding how the need for that comfort is shown and responded to.

In the end, the fight is never about anything substantial at all, just one spouse asking to be acknowledged and for the relationship to be back on an even keel. Because I'm dead inside. Jan 10, Terri R rated it it was amazing. This is the best book on relationships that I have ever read. The writer is clear and non-judgmental and stays away from too much psychological analyses and language. Hold Me Tight is designed to help partners gain insight about themselves and one another and to enhance their communication, whether or not it is broken.

The writing style creates topics that are easily discussed between partners and the book is filled with exercises that allow one to practice better communication and understanding This is the best book on relationships that I have ever read. The writing style creates topics that are easily discussed between partners and the book is filled with exercises that allow one to practice better communication and understanding.

I think the book is relevant to partners at all stages of a relationship, not just relationships that are "in trouble. The book is worth reading and engaging. Apr 02, Tatyana Naumova rated it really liked it Shelves: Sep 22, Cara rated it liked it Shelves: Finding Love Beyond Words , which I read immediately before it.

Both books seem to agree on the basic principle that both men and women want to feel connection, and the pain of lacking that is the heart of the problems in a relationship. However, this book offers the opposite solution: It basically offers a model of seven conversations that can heal and transform your r This book was an interesting counterpoint to How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: It basically offers a model of seven conversations that can heal and transform your relationship: Revisiting a rocky moment going back to a really bad fight, revisiting what went wrong, redoing it to a happier resolution 4.

Hold me tight--engaging and connecting exploring your deepest fears and needs together, to get that really strong emotional connection 5. Keeping Your Love Alive maintenance: It comes with impressive stats, though: I don't think I've heard of success rates that high for any other kind of therapy anywhere. May 12, Jared Bird rated it really liked it. Having read through the whole thing, I can agree, in my limited experience. I found many intriguing insights in the book that offer good looks into my own psyche and my wife's.

I enjoyed reading through the scenarios who were in situations that I find myself in in my own relationship, and the lessons learned were deep and moving. At the same time, The sections that I didn't find applicable were significantly less interesting. I feel that this book isn't meant to be read like I did so much as it is meant to be studied.

I should have had a pencil and notepad handy to jot down ideas, questions, and goals. This book should also be read in steps as you progress from one level to the next. I consider buying my own copy just so I can do this study. I can see this kind of book as being a relationship-saver.

Because a friend of mine said about it: The premise is that we are so emotionally caught up in the minutia of our romantic relationships because of our associations and links to our past relationships with our parents. We long for that same closeness, the opportunity to be who we are completely, permission to be needy and longing for affection from our spouse as we had from our parents. How to share that with one another and receive that love and affection in return is what this book teaches.

Sep 26, Adam rated it really liked it. Presents an attachment-based view of adult romantic love and relationships, based on the author's own Emotionally Focused Therapy However, I think that the attempt at putting the highly interactive and experiential not to mention effective! Read the book, see Presents an attachment-based view of adult romantic love and relationships, based on the author's own Emotionally Focused Therapy Read the book, see what you can relate to, then if you have the inclination, find an EFT therapist. My wife and I have been to 8 sessions now, and are loving it.

Mar 19, Austin S. This has replaced all the other books on relationships as the number one must-read book. It delves below the more superficial layers of content and process addressed by other authors e. Mar 31, Jennifer Chin rated it it was amazing. This is an interesting and pretty accessible book for people looking for marriage guidance or couples therapy. It's something you can read with your partner. Or you can just read it for yourself pre any marriage or committed relationship. It takes Bowlby's attachment theory and expands on it for adults and their relationships.

There is approximately twenty years of extensive research into EFT at hand here. I happen to think EFT is a great couples therapy, but I still like to use behavioural meth This is an interesting and pretty accessible book for people looking for marriage guidance or couples therapy.

I happen to think EFT is a great couples therapy, but I still like to use behavioural methods as well as emotionally focused therapy - it's very dependent on the couple and the people involved. The main issues I have with this book are the corny language used to break down the fundamentals - Protest Polka, Demon Dialogues Plus, seriously, the case study couple's reactions and language are far too unbelievable for me at times. Only then will you get home. Even when I am standing here with open arms, longing for you. It's beautiful to read, almost like a romance novel, but I've never had anyone speak like this in my practice.

It's also pertinent that there is contemporary EFT for people suffering PTSD and abuse because of what can be the intense and crippling ripple effects of same on relationships. Feb 02, Christina rated it it was amazing. I had to think about and sit on, over time, these ideas and concepts. I needed to journal and grow with it a bit and that took months. Reading this book has been a spiritual activity for me and a journey inward. I gained a lot of insight about how I love, how I need to love better, what healthy love really looks like, my love relationship, how and why people struggle in love and how to overcome some of those pitfalls, how to build loving relationships and how loving, securely attached couples are not only transformed and healed themselves through that secure attachment but how those individuals are then available and needed to form the foundation of a civilized society.

It will take a while though before most couples develop the abbreviated, almost shorthand, de-escalation language of Auntie Doris and Uncle Sid. Kerrie and Sal provide a detailed example of the ins and out of the de-escalation process. They have tried negotiating about this but deals get made and broken. They have been sniping at each other for about ten minutes in my office.

I ask if this sniping is the usual way they relate to each other. Usually I just stay real calm. And I go off into my head when he does his aggressive thing.

Hold Me Tight : Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships

But just recently I have felt more and more cornered, so I just come out swinging to get him to back off for a while. Sal, an articulate corporate lawyer with a touch of gray at his temples, launches into a diatribe about how deprived he is in this marriage. He is offered no affection, attention, or sex. He is not listened to. He is mad and he is entitled to be mad. Kerrie raises her eyes to heaven, crosses her legs and begins to wave her red high-heeled clad foot up and down.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

I point out how the pattern is occurring right here. He is getting mad and demanding attention. Kerrie breaks the tension here, openly laughing as she recognizes her own strategy. Kerrie of course hears only that she is the problem and must work to fix her deficiencies. We talk a little about attachment and love and how our primal programming dictates that when Sal feels disconnected, he will aggressively reach for Kerrie, and she, seeing only his anger, will defensively withdraw to try to calm herself and the relationship.

Each began to fit their fights, rifts and everyday hurts into this pattern. But there was something missing. It is clear that Kerrie sees Sal through a narrow prism of distrust. She does not really understand the impact her distancing has on him in the here and now and how it pulls him into their cycle. Okay, so there is this wired-in need for contact and I can be kind of cool, that is my style. But I have been a pretty good wife to you. This is a real issue with us. It comes up all the time. Sal starts into an elaborate set of points about how he is not really so demanding.

Kerrie is off in some other world before he finishes his first rational sentence. We need to change level of dialogue here and get a little more emotional engagement. I ask him if he remembers how he feels, waiting for Kerrie to come to bed. He takes a moment and then retorts. Wondering if and when she is going to deign to turn up! You sound angry but there is a bitterness here behind the sarcasm.

What does it feel like to be waiting for her, feeling that she does not care how long you wait or may not come at all? After a long silence, he answers. So I turn it into straight anger. But what does it feel like to be waiting? Kerrie moves her head back in surprise. She furrows her brow in disbelief. She fits me in the cracks in her busy schedule. We used to always be close before going to sleep. If I try and talk about it, I just get dismissed.

Lying in bed by myself, I go into feeling so unimportant. It feels like I am all by myself here. I remember listening to him talk in the first session about his lonely childhood, mostly spent in expensive boarding schools, while his diplomat parents traveled the world. I remembered him telling me that Kerrie is the only person he has ever felt close to or trusted and that finding her had opened a whole new world for him.

As I reflect these thoughts and his own words back to him, I legitimize his pain.

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Then I ask how it feels right now to talk about these difficult feelings of being pushed aside. But you feel hopeless. It is scary for most of us when we are unsure of our connection, when we cannot get the person we love to respond to us. She can take her time. And this time when I look at Kerrie, her eyes are wide open.

She has leaned forward towards her husband. I ask her how she is reacting to the things her husband is sharing. I have never ever seen that in you. We talk about how strange it is for her to hear about how her being less accessible impacts him and that he now lives in a world where he misses her and is scared that he has lost his place with her.

Kerrie looks like she is struggling here. Her husband is not the man she thought he was. That it mattered to you so much that I come to bed. When we fight it sounds like it is all about how you want more sex. I just thought you wanted to be in control. And then his anger is too much for me and I run away more. And then we are stuck. I never got that I had that impact on you. That you might be feeling alone in the dark. Kerrie and Sal are really beginning to see the power they have over each other on an emotional attachment level.

He protests her distance. She protests his aggressive ways of trying to connect with her. Sal and Kerrie start to see, in a concrete way, how they hook each other into their negative pattern. This fabulous book will be of great benefit…to couples trying to find their way to better communication and deeper, more fulfilling ways of being with each other. Sue Johnson has … created a whole new way of helping couples cope with serious relationship issues that has proven time and time again to be highly successful. Sue Johnson has finally written the indispensable book for every couple in love.

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Every relationship has a chance to succeed as long as each person is understood and heard. I would recommend the book to anyone who is trying to build deeper relationships in their lives. I learned a lot by reading this book and have continued to refer back to it when feeling stuck in a bad pattern in a relationship. Better than any relationship book. For people who really want to LOVE. Realizing that we are all broken in different places, the author uses other couples dialogue to guide us back together.

This book helps in all interpersonal and group relationships. When we can see ourselves clearly, we can then validate others! Give this as a gift to as many people as possible and the world will be a better place. Hold tight to this book. This book may change your life. A guidebook for every couple. This should be required first reading for every couple in trouble. Maybe even required reading for anyone considering a committed relationship in or out of societally defined marriage.

Practical, useful and proven approach for couples. Johnson has at last put words to the latest research into happy marriages for the average person. Reading it is not intellectual: I read the first few chapters, bought three more copies one for my spouse , and gave the other two to friends who were in stressful moments with their own spouses. One couple now reads from the book to one another each night, and like I did recommended it to two other couples before they got through the first 3 chapters.

The other couple bought a 2nd copy so that they could each have it available to them every day, and are now each avidly reading on their morning commutes. And rest of the book was even better than the beginning. Readable, useful and timely. If you are in love, but puzzled by it, this book will help you understand the puzzle. If you want to be, now you will know what to look for. And if you are in love, and everything is fine, you will learn how to keep it that way.

The writing is for married couples, all manner of couples thinking about marriage or partnership, families and those larger groups in society who care for and tend to one another. The practices and exercises are simple and direct. Johnson says that these may done without professional help but one cannot help but think that they would be more effective with some objective, trained guidance. Johnson gives us the science behind the feeling and then helps us unravel how we get stuck in aloneness and fear.

Being in a loving relationship should not feel so separate. Our fast paced, independent and competitive based society leads us into developing entitlement that heightens our sense of being hurt and abandoned. Then self-perpetuating interlocking loops of pursue and defend; demand and withdraw separate us even more from the one we long to feel safe and close to.

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Thank you Sue Johnson, for publishing the map that guides us through this maze of confused emotions. Thank you from all my clients, my family and myself. Each of my married children have received gifts of this book. I keep mine close at hand. My husband thanks you, too. Hold Me Tight This book offers a revolutionary new way to see and shape love relationships. Buy Now Your Local Bookstore. Excerpt from "Hold Me Tight" Conversation 3: Revisiting a Rocky Moment Auntie Doris, a very large lady with peroxide hair and whiskers on her chin, was pouring rum over a huge Christmas pudding.

Here are the steps that can set them on the path to greater harmony: